It almost sounds like I’m going to write something about Doctor Who (don’t even get me started on The Wedding of River Song and the huge disappointment that was!). I’m not. I noted today that I have been back in Cardiff a total of 20 days. It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like an eternity. How can time seem to be going by so fast at times, and at others go by excruciatingly slow? That gives me 12 weeks until I go back home, by which time I would have submitted my research proposal. Wait, what?
There is an uncertainty about my Summer, how I will balance holidays and my BIG placement. There are uncertainties about when Emanuel can come to visit, and whether my Dad will be able to pop by and see this beautiful city for the first time. This makes the time ebb and flow in the future without allowing me some serenity of the moment.
It is easy to be disheartened by an uncertain future and surely that is what this Masters will be all the way through graduation and the final goal – a job! It is also, however enlightening to be surrounded by lovely course mates and block mates, a beautiful city and a flat/room to call your own. Few people are lucky enough to be able to dedicate time to their dream so I have to live the moment. But, it is alright to feel lonely sometimes, it is important to acknowledge the feeling and embrace it. We, as humans, are not made to put on a superhero cape and act brave all the time. Sometimes being fragile is what we need to seek the strength to overcome it.
Photo taken from jennrocksyourworld.wordpress.com
I sense it is the lack of routine that is making me more aware of the slowness of time. I have no placements, no lectures, no meetings – not until the end of the month. This makes days go by very slowly and to-do lists fill up with nonsense. It also gives me a sense of being detached from it all. Does this ever happen to you? I often feel as if I’m looking down on myself writing, and making day-to-day decisions. I watch myself interact with people and wonder why I seem above it all. I think it happens when your mind is not used to being alone. This is not said negatively. In Malta, I rarely think of myself as an individual unit, it is ‘us’ the family or ‘us’ the couple. Here my movements are my own and I have full responsibility for my thoughts. This may seem strange but I do not mean to say that I am constrained by people back home, it is just I have other people to think of. When it comes to thinking about you alone, I guess a feeling of detachment is not uncommon.
I am looking forward to spending some time in Surrey over the weekend with my Auntie Miriam and Uncle Keith. I always look forward to spending time in their lovely house and spending time with my cousin’s pretty April. Will tell you more about the trip when I am back!
I have been back ten days. In those days I spent a night in Bristol, has lectures, submitted an assignment and sat an exam. My first ever Post-grad exam!
It is a funny feeling, being back home from home. I understand what my Dad means about having two homes, and being able to enjoy both, in very different ways. I must say that landing in Malta was so exciting for me on the 19th December that I couldn’t believe my own feelings. It truly is a unique experience and one that reverberated throughout my holiday.
It was a beautiful holiday and every day was filled with a renewed appreciation of my wonderful country, my amazing family and my super boyfriend. My country I was most surprised with. I could be a tourist and snap photos (with my new Christmas present) , sit in the sun and eat pastizzi and drink Kinnie and Cisk. My most special moment was in Sliema, looking at the crystal blue sea and all the wonders beneath it, across to the never-ending horizon and the blueness of the sky – in January!
Few moments compare to the family gatherings, the Monopoly nights and the sheer calmness of it all. Everyone was so busy, but as a family we always made time for each other, and could share the daily routine of each other’s life. Getting back into a routine of waiting for Emanuel’s phone call to say he has come to pick me up are little things that make everything in the big picture so much more worth it.
Yet, I did not feel the pining for Malta that many describe. I feel I came to terms with my freedom from it, and over my resentment at what it could not provide. This holiday made me realise that I can have my cake and eat it, and I will. I love my country but I have so much to achieve before I can go back. I just wish my family and Emanuel were here to share the journey with me. Even while saying that however I know that part of the adventure is my experience in a new place, new people and new friends with which to build something big out of my dreams.