Paradox of Time and Coping

It almost sounds like I’m going to write something about Doctor Who (don’t even get me started on The Wedding of River Song and the huge disappointment that was!). I’m not. I noted today that I have been back in Cardiff a total of 20 days. It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like an eternity. How can time seem to be going by so fast at times, and at others go by excruciatingly slow? That gives me 12 weeks until I go back home, by which time I would have submitted my research proposal. Wait, what?

There is an uncertainty about my Summer, how I will balance holidays and my BIG placement. There are uncertainties about when Emanuel can come to visit, and whether my Dad will be able to pop by and see this beautiful city for the first time. This makes the time ebb and flow in the future without allowing me some serenity of the moment.

It is easy to be disheartened by an uncertain future and surely that is what this Masters will be all the way through graduation and the final goal – a job! It is also, however enlightening to be surrounded by lovely course mates and block mates, a beautiful city and a flat/room to call your own.  Few people are lucky enough to be able to dedicate time to their dream so I have to live the moment. But, it is alright to feel lonely sometimes, it is important to acknowledge the feeling and embrace it. We, as humans, are not made to put on a superhero cape and act brave all the time. Sometimes being fragile is what we need to seek the strength to overcome it.

Photo taken from jennrocksyourworld.wordpress.com

I sense it is the lack of routine that is making me more aware of the slowness of time. I have no placements, no lectures, no meetings – not until the end of the month. This makes days go by very slowly and to-do lists fill up with nonsense. It also gives me a sense of being detached from it all. Does this ever happen to you? I often feel as if I’m looking down on myself writing, and making day-to-day decisions. I watch myself interact with people and wonder why I seem above it all. I think it happens when your mind is not used to being alone. This is not said negatively. In Malta, I rarely think of myself as an individual unit, it is ‘us’ the family or ‘us’ the couple. Here my movements are my own and I have full responsibility for my thoughts. This may seem strange but I do not mean to say that I am constrained by people back home, it is just I have other people to think of. When it comes to thinking about you alone, I guess a feeling of detachment is not uncommon.

I am looking forward to spending some time in Surrey over the weekend with my Auntie Miriam and Uncle Keith. I always look forward to spending time in their lovely house and spending time with my cousin’s pretty April.  Will tell you more about the trip when I am back!

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